I know I said I was going to bed, but I relaxed laying in bed on the phone with Jyl for almost an hour and then between seeing the picture of me at Luke’s second birthday party (the last picture of that post) and getting into my pyjamas and seeing myself in the mirror tonight, my mind start racing a bit.
I look so young in that picture — it was taken 6 weeks before Olivia was born. My face even looks thinner than it does now! I think I only weighed about 5 pounds more in that picture than I do now, sadly. I’ve totally let myself go since then. I mean, really, I have. And some part of me is okay with that and okay with what I see in the mirror and part of me isn’t.
I think Marc’s mom always thought it was the leftovers of mine that Marc would eat when we were first dating (while I’m convinced it was his diet of bread and cheese his first two years of university) that caused Marc to go from a 175lb teenager to a 200+lb man in a matter of a year. But I always say that that’s when Marc got his “man body”. And it was a good thing. When I look at pictures of him before we met, sure he was all toned and muscular, but he didn’t look like a “man”. I like the way he looks now.
Maybe that’s what I’m going through now — 10 years later. I’m getting my “woman body”. (Or that could just be my excuse.) I went from a 115lb bride to a mom 2.5 years later to a mom of three kids 4.5 years after that. And that’s changed me. It’s made me curvier and saggier and lumpier. But those things don’t have to be bad. In fact, I’m kind of getting used to it all. And that’s why I feel like I’ve really “let myself go”, because I’m accepting how I look. But maybe that’s not it at all.
Maybe it’s about embracing my woman body. I think I’m trying to do that — accept all of me. I really want to do that. And maybe the fight isn’t so much about me accepting it, but recognizing that I’m not “giving up” on myself when I accept how I look.
Ya. My woman body. I thought I got it when I was 14. Now I’m getting it again at 30. And I imagine it’ll arrive again at 50 or so. But I think it can all be beautiful. I don’t have to look like I’m 21 in order to be beautiful.
I don’t have to look like I’m 21 in order to be beautiful.
(Should probably post that on every mirror in the house…)