Grrr. Double-D Grrr.

Well, summer is almost here. Sure it seems like it rains every day and you can never trust the forecast, but we did make it to the beach one evening earlier this week. And with summer comes summer apparel. This year it also means Marc’s and my tenth anniversary trip to England, which I had made a promise to look smokin’-hot for.

Of course every year I make a promise to work hard and look better by summer. This year I’ve done the most I’ve ever done. I did The 30 Day Shred fairly regularly. But, honestly, I am exhausted so often and have been sick so much, and even if I’m on the mend from those things I get light-headed so easily, that it’s been hard to exercise. And then at some point it feels like I’m not getting anywhere.

Marc ran across my measurements chart that I’ve kept since January and he gently and tenderly asked if I felt bad because my measurements hadn’t changed very much. I said I wasn’t really (especially since I know from doing the exercises that I’ve gotten stronger). And I’m not really too frustrated. Except when I think about how I wanted to look this summer and how I won’t look this summer, and how it is so obvious in pictures taken of me now that I am bigger and smooshier than I used to be. I used to complain about being smooshy. I guess I shouldn’t have. Because more smooshiness comes far too easily. So tonight I’m feeling exceptionally bad about the smooshiness.

But the other night when I looked at my measurements, I compared them to when I was in grade 12 (thirteen years ago). I had almost “perfect” measurements back then, the only difference was my bust was 2″ smaller than the ideal. And if I compare my body to that of my 18 year old 115lb self, my measurements aren’t too different.  My bust and hips are 2-3″ bigger, but my waist is 5″ bigger. Of course the weight is significantly higher, because I was pretty badly underweight back then. (Gotta love that teenage metabolism: eating at McDonald’s three times a week and not gaining a thing.) And, thankfully, I didn’t measure my arms and thighs back then, because I imagine that those are the places where the extra weight has gone. But really, considering it’s been thirteen years, three kids, and six straight years of being pregnant or nursing, I’ve done pretty well. (Oh, and don’t get me started on the pill. The blasted pill! Which has made me think I’m pregnant for the past 10 years, except for the times that I actually WAS pregnant, which meant that I WAS pregnant and didn’t need my body to be chemically told to store all of that extra smooshy goodness that one does when one is pregnant or tricked into thinking its pregnant.)

Plus I’m trying to balance life these days. I’m really enjoying cooking and baking. And I don’t use food (specifically poutine) to make me feel better after a bad day. So I’ve got that in balance. I’m relaxing more than I used to. I’d say my personal life, my marriage, and my role as a mom (and for the next few years as a student) are all balancing out well. But then you throw in exercising multiple times a week in order to maintain a body shape that I’m frustrated with. Well, that’s like the thing that just takes me over the edge. That makes me tired. That takes away precious, always-in-short-supply time and so doesn’t seem to be worth it.

But I guess I’ll keep going. I may not look as good as I wanted to this summer. But I shouldn’t give up all together. Otherwise the next layer of smooshiness will find me.

Posted in Life, Motherhood | 6 Comments

6 Responses to Grrr. Double-D Grrr.

  1. Toni says:

    Re: the title.

    Ben told me about your facebook comment from Luke’s observation. It appears you still have the ability to stun and astonish a young man!

    Guess it’s not ALL bad then.


  2. Bonnie says:

    Oh Dixie, I truly do feel your pain. I will never know what it feels like to be 115lbs at 18 because I never was. I do however remember the days I could wear a great pair of jeans with no muffin top!

    As for the exercise…Yes I still trudge away to get that body I am hoping for but more than that I do it for health. 40 is in the distant, my Mother and her sisters all had cancer issues in their 40’s and that scares the beejeebers out of me.

    I also exercise so my creaky bones can move in the morning. I dislike “feeling” age in my sore mucles so if I run or do a Jillian DVD I feel young again!

    Maybe a change on perspective of what exericse is doing to your body besides how we want to look.

  3. Collette says:

    while I’m going to give you a whole bunch of advice, let me first say that I am really proud of you! you have figured out so much awesome stuff in the past few years, and you’re really figuring yourself out I think. based on your posts, and also based on my own journey which seems to be emotionally similar, I think you’re in a beautiful spot in your life. so fantastic!! don’t let that brain of yours get in the way of seeing that. maybe you’re just having a bit of a bummy day?

    at any rate, darling I recommend you stop comparing yourself to others and to your old self. it’s a lesson I’m learning too.

    your body contains you: Dixie. your body is where you live. it breathes, eats, and sleeps — all to keep Dixie here where we can love her. your body does amazing, miraculous things every day. your lungs take oxygen from the air and put it into your blood stream so that your blood can take the oxygen to your muscles so that you can lift your children. it takes the glucose from the food you eat and sends it to your brain where your brain uses it for fuel allowing you to move those muscles to pick up those kids. amazing stuff! so complicated.

    having a strong body is good. having a body that can bounce back from illness, take you on a bike ride with your kids, pick up and throw logs on a frozen river, or help push your neighbour’s car out of the mud — that’s what your body is for. and your body does these things remarkably well!

    I signed up for my little triathlon because I found it difficult to maintain the motivation to exercise based on how I look. intellectually I know that looks don’t matter, and I didn’t want to focus so much effort on something just for vanity. it wasn’t working anyway.

    having a goal, though, is what helps me. not that I’ve done very much training — swimming once a week and running once a month isn’t much! eep. I am probably going to be last in the triathlon. ah well. it’s been super fun learning about it, and I’m beginning to understand why people do these types of crazy things.

    I have a duathlon coming up at the end of September too, and I’ll continue to plug away at finding what works for me. one thing I’ve figured out is that I really must run in the mornings before work, and without Katie.

    I’m not exercising for the sake of exercising. I’m exercising so that I can do more fun things! I play soccer, frisbee, and I go wall climbing. the wall climbing took many months to produce actual physical results, but my arms are so muscular right now. I am strong! and I wasn’t wall climbing to get fit — I was doing it because it’s fun. signing up to do this triathlon gives me an extra push to work on my cardio more, which is going to make frisbee and soccer much more fun. all of it has led to me going rock climbing in the mountains a few weeks ago, and it’s going to lead to more nature stuff I’m positive. long hikes, long trail rides on my bike, maybe ice climbing someday!

    do the 30 Day Shred to push your body to get stronger. don’t do it to get skinnier. that’s based on so much crappy headspace stuff, and it’s easy to psych yourself out. but, keep working at it. continually work at getting to the next level. reward yourself every time you reach a new level by, say, taking a super long bike ride. a bike ride you’d have never been able to do before you got so strong.

    one thing climbing has taught me is that pushing myself physically is more satisfying than I ever realized. some of the climbs I’ve completed have been hard. some have been really scary. but, to finish them? so amazing! I always have goals when I climb. first it was just to get to the top of the wall. then it was to do it consistently. then to do routes other than the easiest one. then to get to the top of the harder routes more consistently. then to climb the easiest route without having to take a break (the only time I’ve done that, my lungs burned so much!! but I did it, and it was awesome). these days my goal is to get to the top of the hardest route more consistently (I’ve done it, but not much). I also need to get climbing that easy route without breaks again.

    I don’t know how the 30 Day Shred works, but your first goal could just be getting through it. then the next one would be to feel more coordinated generally. maybe redo the first section over and over again until you are really good at it, rather than just getting it over with. your next goal could then be to lift heavier weights during it. I dunno, but stuff like that might really help you find focus.

    at any rate, sounds like you are kicking butt at life! that’s more important than anything.

  4. Collette says:

    oh wow. that really was the longest comment ever. ha! sorry 🙂

  5. Randall says:

    You talk like smooshiness is a bad thing….

    Your body is the container of you and it seems like you are living life in a good place of balance. Yes, take care of yourself, body, mind and soul, but keep living in the balanced places.

    Besides, i think that when you get over to the UK, all the locals will be suitably impressed by your great straight, white teeth that no one will notice any smooshiness.


    (International shot at the brits there in a stereotypical sort of way.)

  6. Toni says:

    Hey Dixie – saw this video on another site and thought you might be interested.

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