I’m the sigh.

I lead worship tomorrow. I have to be at the church early. I shouldn’t be doing a post when 11pm is quickly approaching. I’m sitting in the bed here with my copy of the service beside me. I’m wondering what scripture passage to use to bridge two parts of the service. But I’m just feeling kind of blah… lonely… kind of, I don’t know, let out a big sigh, and that’s how I feel — right between the tiredness that causes the sigh and the calm you feel after the sigh. I’m the sigh.

Tonight I’m thinking, “who am I to be up there tomorrow leading a group of Christians in worship?” But I like that we can gather together, all muddled and confused from whatever the week has handed us, and just set it down. Get some perspective. Find renewal.

I’ve felt kind of lonely this week. Not in a “won’t somebody come visit me?!” way. Not at all. I crave quiet. I crave non-activity. If I could just sit and stare at the world, I would be content for a long time. But I’ve felt lonely this week. It’s probably because things continue to change for us and more and more I am facing what I have, what will always be with me on this journey of life.

But when you realize what you have, you also see what you don’t have. And sometimes that’s hard. To face the fact that the hours of your days may not be spent in the places or with the people that you love the most. To recognize your limitations, the limitations of others, the distance between people and hearts. And that can be very isolating. And discouraging.

And I think that’s what I’ve been working through this week. I’ve been going through the baby clothes and –as she sheds one single tear– the maternity clothes. And the things that I’ve known and have held onto, they’re changing. And the things that I move forward with are not the things I thought I’d have. Sure, they’re better and more true. But they’re different. And it makes me feel a little lonesome — like I need to be reoriented a bit.

So, tonight I am the sigh — in the process of moving out of the tiredness and into the rest. The rest. That’s funny. All the rest that life has to offer. Growing up and moving on. Losing things to find things. Walking on another day into the rest of my life.

Posted in Faith, Life & Faith, Ministry | 4 Comments

4 Responses to I’m the sigh.

  1. Linea says:

    I’m reading this book, Eternal Longing by John O’Donohue. It was loaned to me by my Spiritual Director since these same feelings have been plaguing me lately. I, too, am not necessarily wanting someone to come over and visit. Being by myself is not bad – most of the time, although I recognize that for me, being with people, having significant conversation with them is very therapeutic for me. But the longings sometimes get strong and the source is sometimes not clear. Anyway, she too, knew what I meant and recommended this book. Listen to this little bit from it:
    “The one who dreamed the universe loved circles. There is some strange way in which everything that goes forward is somehow still traveling within the embrace of the circle. Longing and belonging are fused within the circle. The day, the year, the oceans way, the light, the water, and the life insist on moving in the rhythm of the circle. The mind is a circle too. This is what keeps you gathered in your self… Yet the circle of the mind is broken somewhere. This fracture is always open; it is the secret well from which all longing flows. All prayer, love, creativity, and joy come from this source;…
    This breakage within us is what makes us human and vulnerable….”

    I think that often this unexplainable longing comes from that deep inner longing for communion and union with our creator. It draws us to him and we are not complete till we find ourselves in him. Even as we acknowledge our desire to be with God, we still feel the longing that can’t be satisfied yet. We find some comfort in being with people, in love of family and children, etc. but they can’t fully satisfy it. So, we seek God and in the search and in the finding our deep longings are soothed. But they pop up every now and then, especially when we make changes that take us into new territory, or when we say goodbye to friends that have been companions on this journey of ours towards God.

    So ends the sermon.

  2. Dixie says:

    I like that Linea. Very true.

  3. Paula says:

    In keeping with what Linea said about us having a “deep inner longing for communion and union with our creator”, I am reminded of David’s prayer in Psalm 5:1 “Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing.” When David didn’t have words, he SIGHed, and God understood.

    God understands how you feel and what you’re thinking – even when you can’t express it.

  4. Hi, I just wandered over her via Jobina’s blog. I think I’ll be a regular lurker now 🙂 I can totally relate to what you just wrote about. I’ve felt the same way a lot lately. Time moving so fast, life changing fast, seasons of life over, people, relationsips, church issues. ITs easy to feel like you want to stop the train for a minute and just get oriented again. God’s been speaking the word “Abide” to my soul lately…..just abide in me. Why is that so hard sometimes? Just to claim that rest and peace that he so freely offers and enjoy his presence? I think its the frenzy of life that sometimes gets in the way or at least works as an excuse for a while. Thanks for sharing your heart and you insights.

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