Worlds Colliding

Last weekend in Surrey was a very strange time for me, most notably the time I spent at the events for the Covenant Annual General Meeting. It was like all of these different  world were colliding; I don’t think I realized it until the end of the weekend. There were people there from our home church: the “now” people. There were friends who’ve moved away: the “past” people. And people who will be our friends and pastors when we move to Manitoba in the summer: the “future” people.

I don’t know. It was just strange. It made life seem so impermanent. The past people used to be the “now” people; the now people will soon be the “past” people, and shortly the future people will be in the now. It kind of made my head swim. It makes you wonder how we have any relationships at all, with time always moving us, taking us along these paths that only cross for such short times.

Did I forget to mention that the day Marc and I flew home from Surrey I spent a half hour crying uncontrollably in our rental car while Marc returned the shoes, dress and sweater I bought for my cousin’s wedding this summer? Well I did. The crying started with $10 of stupid hotel charges for using our calling card. (GRRRR! I hate all of the hidden fees they throw at you when you check out!) It continued because of my exhaustion from the weekend, my head cold and plugged ear (that I still have now!), having a crummy 30th birthday, acting like an idiot in front of our friends about said dress, sweater and shoes (according to Marc my ability to make a spectacle of my insecurity is “endearing”; lately I’ve thought it completley idiotic, but I’m trying to get over it), and then seeing those worlds colliding at the conference and feeling like we are just spinning around in the middle of this movement of our lives.

(And Marc wonders why I have trouble articulating my feelings to him!) Like I said, the crying started at the hotel elevator about those stupid phone charges. And it did not end until Marc had returned all of things at the mall and we were well out of Surrey. Honestly my whole face, my lips, my eyes, felt completely swollen and puffy. It was horrible. And I couldn’t stop it. I tried. I couldn’t.

But for as stupid as I look when I cry and for all of the dumb reasons the tears come, I am glad (mostly) that I can vent all of these life frustrations through tears. Because you know what? Sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes, even at the tail-end of your first ever holiday away from your children, life sucks. We’re too tired and too frazzled to appreciate it. The things we look forward to and want to appreciate don’t happen. The people we love disappoint us or leave us and our lives take us to a new set of people to love and hurt and leave.

So much more these days, as we prepare the house for moving and prepare ourselves for saying good-bye to friends and family and completely reorienting our lives and purpose, I feel the good and bad of our days. Sometimes my heart is overwhelmed with the good moments and the good friends and all of the opportunities we’ve had. And then other times I just get bitter and tired and depressed and am ready to give up because I don’t have the strength to do it.

So, if I’ve been quiet on the internet this week (which maybe nobody noticed but me), it’s because sometimes I have the decency to spare the world from bitter, tired Dixie. The Dixie that cries until her faces is swollen and her lips are fat. The Dixie that just keeps doing the stuff that needs to be done even when doing those things is exciting and hopeful and scary and exhausting all at the same time. The Dixie that can’t make sense of who she is or where she’s going or why she does the things she does, so she just shuts up for a little bit and it doesn’t make it any better, but maybe just saves her a week of embarassing herself yet again.

But that’s what we do in life, isn’t it? We have the good moments and the bad moments. The times when we’re wise and the times when we’re idiots. And we all move along where life takes us. And the moments when the paths of our loved ones and the goodness of life and our ability to experience that goodness all line up… well it makes the moments when we cry uncontrollably in a parking lot worth it. Really. It does. And I know there will be good things to come as new worlds collide.

Posted in Life, Life & Faith, Ministry | 7 Comments

7 Responses to Worlds Colliding

  1. When I was 33, we moved to our 2nd Church ministry. We began to get to know a large family in the church. The natriarch began to love and enjoy us, and one day said to me. “I don’t want to love you and Laura because we will get close and you will leave someday and its all too painful” But she did, and we did, and it was. In thier case they sold their restaurant and moved up to the country home and left us, before we moved on a few years later.

    We now have a totally different group of people that are our circle of friends, and this is three circles of friends later in our ministry. I now am beginning to see why the reunion in heaven will be so wonderful, because time and space will not allow us to keep those friendships tended. I can tell you this, if your family goes with you, it will be home, and if you remain the lover you are, there will be circles of friends ahead, for sure.

  2. Carissa says:

    Well said, Don! (And I have missed you on here, Dixie!!) 🙂

  3. ian says:

    some friends are for a season, some friends are for life, but we will all meet in heaven.

    I do like the way you write about what is going on with you, the lord bless you, marc and your children.

    I have had a day of tears today (a bank holiday in the uk, thankfully) over something that Ihave been praying for the last week (since a Bill Johnson conference here in Reading UK). Even when watching the New X-men film, I could not get away (not that i wanted too) from what God is doing in me.

  4. Toni says:

    It’s getting late and I’m not articulate right now. Dixie – all I can say is that life IS about moving on, changing situations, changing friends (through proximity) and even changing family as they age and move on. We are leaving behind our family too, for people that are not a family even for themselves yet, and I can say I do understand somewhat. (((hug)))

  5. Rebekah says:

    Dixie,
    Though we haven’t kept in touch well nor met face to face…I am not nor ever will be tired of Dixie whether she’s tired, bitter, etc. i can relate to not knowing who I am and what I am to do and my world spinning around me and constantly changing.

    You’ve packed and moved before, right? One piece of advice I will always appreciated is that we get stressed with packing and moving because every item is a decision.” I pray that you will have peace as you pack and prepare to move. I pray that you will find comfort in who you are in Christ even if that means you still don’t know who Dixie is.

    Why did you have a crappy 30th? Where are you moving to in BC?

    Take Care my friend,
    Rebekah

  6. Thanks everyone for your encouragement! 🙂

    And thanks Heather for checking stuff out for us. I had seen that one. But at the moment we’re thinking we may buy a trailer on campus. Btw, do you know if we’ll be able to drive the backroads from Roseisle thru Rosenort then to Otterburne on Friday? It involves Provincial Roads 205, 200 & 303.

    And Rebekah, we’re moving to Manitoba for Marc to get his M.Div from Providence. We’ll likely live in Otterburne. We’re coming down this weekend for a quick trip to check everything out.

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