I’ll be honest. This thing we’ve decided to do for three years is not easy. First, let me say that I can’t believe we’ve made it through the first academic year. That was the fastest eight months of my life. Like crazy fast. I almost don’t believe it’s the middle of April. The past three months have gone by especially fast.
Marc made some comment the other night about just wanting to get the next two years over with so we could… I interrupted him at this point to say, “Get on with being a pastor full-time. Because that’ll be easy!” We had enough of a taste of that our last year in PA to know that difficulties of seminary will just turn into new difficulties when we start looking for pastoral work.
It’s just been hard to balance everything. And what’s worse is when we look back and focus on the failures instead of all of the ways we’ve thrived over the past year. Today was one of those days, I think. Feeling a little beaten down with what our life is all about right now — the fluctuating stress and deadlines, the uncertainty of what any given day will bring in terms of the kids and their needs and their health, thinking through our finances, blah, blah, blah.
A lot of days it’s good. But some days it’s really, really overwhelming.
And the one thing that inevitably gets lost, because time is in such short supply, is Marc and me. I remember studying what I’m pretty sure was called “angelic marriage” in my medieval history classes — married people who chose celibacy. And I guess it’s fitting that we should pursue that sort of relationship while at seminary. Honestly, I never used to be like this. But when my head hits the pillow, I am fast asleep within minutes. So tired. Just praying that the kids won’t wake us up more than two times in the night.
In many ways we’ve grown closer over the year. But I do see now how people just drift apart. Some days it feels like we just drift along doing all of the things that need to be done and then we crash without ever really talking. And even if we recognize this, sometimes we’re just too tired to really care. And we certainly don’t have the money to be going out.
But I guess life is always going to be like this. When you have kids when you’re 23 you really do give up your energy until you’re 40 and by that time your body is just tired all the time anyway. And these are the choices we’ve made. And they’ve brought us much happiness.
Just some days I don’t know what to do with it all and with myself.