This week it’s all been about Olivia. Olivia broke out in a fever and a very sore throat Friday night. By Sunday morning she had a rash on her body. She and I snuck into the church just in time to be there for Marc’s installation service and then we snuck out so as not to get her more sick or get anyone else sick. But, really, rashes kind of scare me; so we got her to the doctor first thing Monday morning.
Long story short. A trip to the doctor, a trip to the lab, an all-nighter up with a girl with a very itchy rash, a call to the doctor, and a trip to the ER to get more labs done and see another doctor three days later, and you have another kid home sick for five days. Another kid who wasn’t really that sick, but by this time of winter I really don’t want any kids (mine or others) getting any more sick, so we did what the doctor said and kept her home.
I tell you, Tuesday night just as Marc and I were going to bed when Olivia woke up super itchy from the rash and then proceeded to not fall asleep until 6am… well, that took a lot out of me. Imagine me half-conscious trying to distract Olivia from the itchies by telling her humourous (and what often were not-so-humourous) stories from my childhood. I still can’t believe she was up all night. We’ve never had that before, even when we had babies in the house.
So yesterday, what with being up all night and then the trip to the hospital and Marc going to youth on 3 hours of sleep… well, you go to bed exhausted but really feeling like a champ — like you really did something in a day.
Today… where the exhaustion from the all-nighter finally hit and I could feel myself starting to succumb to the germs that I’ve been exposed to all week so I laid low… well, I go to bed trying to not feel like I was a waste today.
I just can’t get over how much I struggle with this. Even if I go back over my day and do a mental check list of things that I did and the ways (the quantity and quality) in which I interacted with my family and others, and even if that checklist is good, well, I still struggle to feel content.
But aren’t these ordinary days the days I should feel most content, most blessed? I didn’t have to go to the ER today! I did get a full night’s sleep last night. I got to be home, to have a simple, unhurried day and be with my kids and relax with my husband. What is it that breeds dissatisfaction in myself on these contented, ordinary days?
It used to be that I thought these days were meaningless, that I hadn’t done enough. I don’t feel that way anymore. I know now there is wonder and pleasure in ordinary days. Now, I think I simply feel like I’m not enough on these days. It’s so easy to see the ways you could do and be more on these ordinary days because (unlike the crazy, chaotic, emergency days) you are not stretched to the limit.
But I don’t want to be stretched to the limit every day, really. Even if I am better able to fall asleep content with myself on those days. Instead, I want to strive to be thankful for the ordinary day. Thankful that life is mostly filled by ordinary days. And these days are the real blessing. They are the real joy of life. And I trust that God will keep teaching me that I am okay and I am enough even on the ordinary days.